What do I find sexy?
I find courage very sexy.
I find a sense of knowing who you are and what you want in life very sexy
I find determination (and a certain track record of achieving things) deeply compelling. Throw in an independent mind and heart and you’ve got me floored.
And above all, I find a sense of relaxed openness, a tranquil sort of calm but steely demeanor, a certain richness in the authenticity of conversation oh so sexy and incredibly appealing.
What I don’t find sexy?
1. Extravagance. First dates have historically been a bitch for me because I’ve had to dress up and play into a part of some stupid socially constructed courtship protocol / fantasy. While I agree I don’t have to play into this, the reality is…once I’ve said yes to that sort of date, I’m compelled to perform my part. The performativity of first dates…hmm. I prefer a first date ‘experience’ vs a first date ‘extravagance’; the former is personally tailored and thus, is far more memorable.
2. “Formulas”. Please oh please don’t play relationships out by GQ’s What To Do and What Not To Do. There’s no formula to courtship OR a relationship. What I HATE most? Those stupid “10 Signs that a Guy Likes You/ Wants to Bang You/Wants to Marry You/Wants to Break Up with You”. You know it if the connection is real; you just do. Get in touch with YOU.
3. Clinginess. I’m not your life saver. I’m not your mom. I’m not that person who’s about to change your life for the better. You do that YOURSELF. Sharing your life with me and being completely unable to make ultra personal decisions about your own life are two totally separate things. I’m very aware of my own folly when it comes to “ultra-sharing” (thanks Twitter and Facebook and text message and my hyper email ADD). I’m very aware of the fact that most women do love to talk about their lives (me included) and try to include others in it as much as possible. I’ve swung between the cold, distant ice queen and the warm, huggy, “I want to be there for you!” partner. But there is a fine line between inclusion and effectively disengaging with your partner because they’re in your life SOOOOOO much.
4. Labels. In my vision of a perfect world, there is “partner/significant other” and there’s everyone else. But relationships are complicated and fluid and messy and racy and wholeheartedly difficult yet rewarding; hence we have to acknowledge each other as such. Labels also do, by their innate nature, force you to think about the relationship in a deeper level — the whole “what is this? what does this mean?” thing. I suggest being completely honest about it and not ‘forcing’ the label.
I’m emailing all of this to an advice columnist whose article I chanced upon today. I simply can’t stand half-baked relationship advice; really, writers for such beats/columns should really think thrice before they pen down such juvenile, poorly structured, barely legible thoughts.